The hardest thing you may ever have to do is win back your ex after an affair.
The mistake you made does not have to mean the end of your marriage – even if you’ve already separated – as long as you’re ready to make some sacrifices. The thing to remember is that you’ll have to do almost all the work here because your ex already stopped investing energy in you and has moved on.
What you’ve got to do in order to win back your ex is show that you, and the relationship, are worth another chance.
Realize that it will take time.
Some experts estimate that it takes 18 months to two years for the betrayed spouse to recover emotionally after an affair. Don’t expect your spouse to be willing to take you back within the first few months or even the first year. Whatever happens between you is going to unfold slowly.
This will happen in stages – from no contact to tentative communication to “dating” again – so plan for the long-term as you begin working to win back your ex. Don’t assume that you will successfully win back your ex, but stay flexible enough that any future plans can be adjusted to include your spouse if the two of you reconcile.
Give your spouse plenty of space.
Right now, you’re the last person your spouse wants to see. All the pain and anger and resentment is still too fresh. Talking to you will only bring up all of those emotions, making any conversations pointless. Your spouse needs time to heal without you.
It’s OK to make contact once in a while (wait at least a month after the separation) as long as it isn’t unwelcome. But no unannounced visits to win back your ex. A very brief phone call or an e-mail will suffice. Let your spouse be the one to decide if and when to see you again.
Focus on your problems.
This might seem obvious – your spouse left because you cheated, and you’ve already ended the affair. Mission accomplished. But it’s rarely as simple as that. Think back over your relationship to the things your spouse complained about the most. Write them down if you have to.
You’ll probably begin to see a theme, whether it was that you took your spouse for granted, or weren’t affectionate enough, or were too impatient. You might also realize that the behavior indirectly contributed to your cheating.
Once you’ve identified the underlying problem, work on changing that behavior. See a therapist. It helps.
Be honest with your spouse – and yourself.
Eventually, you’ll start talking again. When this happens, you have to be absolutely truthful with your spouse about anything and everything. This likely is going to mean answering some embarrassing questions about the affair, or admitting other behavior you previously have denied. But there is no way around this if you want to win back your ex. The trust between you is extremely fragile and any dishonesty will break it forever.
Ask your ex out on a date
Your spouse will let you know when the time is right. The first time, try a place you’ve never been together (so there isn’t any old baggage hanging around). Keep the date light; just focus on enjoying each other’s company.
You won’t have to talk about the changes you’ve made, at least not at first. They will begin to show in the way you act. Just remember that it will take time for your spouse to believe the changes are real and not just you being on your best behavior.
Oh, and be patient about sex because it likely won’t happen any time soon.
If the first date goes well, start spending more time together. Let your spouse set the pace. Slowly, you will begin to win back your ex.
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