Love on the rebound. Ain’t it grand? Do rebound relationships deserve all the bad press? Or, are they really a good thing?
First, let’s get a clear definition; what, exactly, are rebound relationships? Simply put, it is when one partner in a love union (married or otherwise) commits themselves to an new interest without allowing the proper amount of time to process the failings of the old relationship. A mouthful, but I hope you get the idea.
Many times in these situations, the person involved in the new relationship is covering up the pain from the previous involvement. And, there are times when the psychology goes even deeper than that, and the action is pointed directly at the old association.
“Look, I found someone before you did.”
“See, I’m lovable. You’re the messed up one.”
“Ha, hope this hurts like hell.”
And, sometimes it is just because of the need to have a warm body in close proximity. The world can be a cold and lonely place, after all.
The chances of the rebound relationship lasting or being anything of significance are not very high, although, of course, successful rebound relationships do exist. But, in many cases the new thing becomes even more destructive then the old thing simply because there hasn’t been an adequate resolution to the previous relationship and the problems it brought.
We all know people who bounce from one person to the next and to the next. They exist emotionally on one level that is comfortable for them, but they are unable to move beyond that level. A new partner gives them the chance to re-live the easy part, but soon enough they are confronted with the same situation with a different person. Why? Because they are part of the problem they cannot see. I read a funny interview with Greg Allman recently where he was talking about being married six times. “I’m beginning to think it might be me.” Ya think?
What can be particularly destructive in these rebound relationships is that the new person doesn’t fully realize they are being used. They then become part of the emotional quagmire of the previous couple.
Depending on the intensity of the break-up, either side of the previous couple could be emotionally vulnerable. In other words, their ‘need’ level is very high, which lends itself to masking the deep wound from the past with something new, anything new. Substance isn’t often the priority.
How do you know if you’re involved in a rebound relationship? It isn’t difficult. Just ask yourself one simple question:
Is a past involvement taking up significant space in your current/now relationship? If so…
Rebound relationships and how to avoid them
This can get tricky, because there isn’t a mathematical formula to measure. Use your noggin. If someone has an interest in you and you ask, “When was your last involvement?”
And, they say, “A month ago.”
To which you ask, “How long were you involved?”
Them, “Five years.”
Now, honestly. How do you think this is going to work out? A good rule of thumb may be to allow a couple of months, give or take, for every year of the previous relationship. That gives and adequate amount of time to process the emotion and settle in to new view of life. Play with anything else, be forewarned.
If you choose to venture into the land of rebound relationships, or if you currently find yourself involved there, put on the brakes. Take it slow. There is a lot of vulnerability there. Give it time to rise and fall. Don’t overplay your hand. Make this new thing prove itself. If it’s real and meaningful, this won’t be a problem.
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