Being dumped is never fun. It can validate a lot of a person’s insecurities and send the mind racing. “What did I do?” It’s difficult to say for absolute certain why men dump women because of all the different variables involved in each situation. But, we’re painting with a broad brush here, so we’ll try and fill in some gaps if you are confused as to why you may have gotten the heave-ho.

A lot of this depends on the age bracket of the couple. A man in his 20s will dump a woman for different reasons than a man will in 50s. Keeping all of this mind, here we go with our broad brush:

Just ask yourself: what is the most important thing to a man? His family? His job? His friends? All of those are important, but beyond those at a more basic level, what is the most important element in his life? That, my friends would be his pride, his sense of self-worth and the image he has of himself moving through the world.

Now, if you are (were) in a relationship where this takes a hit, there could be a potential problem. And, if you are (were) in a relationship where there are a lot of hits, that relationship could be in real trouble. Simply put, a man wants to feel good about himself.

Look back on your troubles and where they began. My best guess would tell me they started when his pride took a hit. This can happen in all kinds of different ways. Was there a constant focus on what he was NOT? On the things he didn’t do? A negative turn is taken, and it is hard to get back on track.

Men want to be respected, adored even. They want to feel valued,  and for what they say and do to be meaningful. This is never more true than when they are involved in an intimate relationship. When a man’s pride goes out the window, he is not far behind it.

If you’re a person who thrives on the negative, try a different approach next time. Instead of telling him (let’s not use the word “nag”) what he does wrong, let him know when he is right. Instead of criticism, try using praise. Even in the smallest of situations this can have a profound effect.

“I appreciate the way you stayed at my mother’s for the extra half hour on Sunday. I know it wasn’t your favorite, and you did it for me, and I appreciate it.”

Contrast that to: “I know you hate being at my mother’s.”

As I stated at the beginning of this, there a many reasons why men dump women. But, painting with the broad brush: never under estimate a man’s pride.

Why Men Dump Women

Being intimately involved with another human being, I mean really involved, over a number of years has to be one of the most challenging things in which a person can ever be involved. It requires a close examination of yourself and your partner and your relationship. Our culture doesn’t promote those types of relationships very well. If you find yourself in trouble and looking to save your marriage, you have many obstacles to overcome in the process. And, on many occasions the biggest problem may be one of ’self.’

Everyone likes to be heard. We are all we acquainted with our own pain. That’s easy enough. We live it 24 hours of every day. But one of the biggest challenges comes when we have to overcome our particular pain and listen to someone else. And, why would we do that? Simply because what we stand to lose is much greater than the self. I think when we arrive in that place, a different dynamic comes into place, which could add a level of being we had never imagined in the beginning. Especially if our long-running union (married or not) started when we were very young.

Conflict is going to inevitably arise in any relationship. Sure as the night turning to day. But, what can make all the difference, what can move the relationship and save your marriage is one simple secret, doing one simple thing. But, doing the simple can sometimes be difficult.Read on, and I’ll explain what that secret is.

Think back to last really big fight you had with this person you love, the one you have chosen to be your life at every level. More than likely, you felt terribly wronged and your anger was white-hot. That’s really what anger is, feeling someone has done you an injustice. When this happens to be the most trusted and valued person in your life, it is amplified times ten.

Now, in this intensity where was the focus? What is main interest? What is biggest concern? It is in expressing yourself, is it not? Your anger, your pain. But, what takes place when you allow your anger to take a backseat, and you stop. And you listen? In that single instant when you stop, really stop and everything comes to a halt, and you look across at your partner and listen, there is chance for a completely new thing to come into being. Something that may not have existed before. And, your life is not then about the past, but it about right now. Today. This instant. A new meaning takes place.

Often when attempting to save your marriage, we begin to feel an ownership over our partner. They belong to us, they are of us, an appendage. But, in reality, they are not. In the relationship we exist together, but away we are forever separate. That has to be acknowledged and honored.

So, what is the simple secret? I hope this won’t be anti-climatic, but it is the simple action of listening. Try it the next time things get intense with the two of you. And, along with listening comes empathy and compassion. Not only could this save your marriage, it could alter your complete way of life.

Save Your Marriage, Take Action Today

Are you going through a break-up of catastrophic proportions? Does your heart ache with fire? Are they gone, and you know full well you’ll never get them back? And, are you asking yourself, “How to heal a broken heart?” Let’s face it. Life flat out sucks sometimes. It just does. But, you “push on through to the other side” and live to love another day. You do. Trust me. You do. No one knows that better than I do. I hope I can offer up some advice that’s going to help you. That’s the whole idea here, right?

Step One:

Allow yourself to hurt like hell. Feel it all, for a time anyway. Don’t run. Don’t attempt to hide from it. Alcohol will make you feel better, but that’s only for a time. Food makes you feel better but that doesn’t last long, and then you have to work to get off the pounds accumulated from your misery. Sliding quickly into another relationship will put a band-aid on it, but more than likely, in the end, will just make it all worse.

No. You have to feel it. It’s okay to hurt. You just lost someone you love. It is supposed to hurt. Sadness can be a good thing, as odd as that sounds. It gives our lives depth and dimensions we didn’t know existed previously. Live with the hurt. Where do you feel it? What part of your body? What is the intensity? If you look too quickly for solutions you miss the experience. And, life is all about the experience and not really at all about the solutions.

Step Two:

After you’ve give yourself the time to know how to heal a broken heart, it is time to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get on with your life. There is huge difference between giving yourself the time to process a heartache and self-pity. You don’t want to make that slide. Make sure that you stay physically active. This is important. Walk each day. Even if only for a 20 to 30 minutes. Ride your bike. Jog. Just the act of activating your body will make you feel better, feel alive. It also grounds you in a reality beyond your hurt. Having gone through it, I am convinced it aids in speeding up the healing process. Make yourself crawl out of bed and do something. No one is there to take care of you but you.

Step Three:

After a few weeks of being alone and experiencing the intensity of your hurt, get out of the house and put yourself in some social situations. We exist in relationship to the world around us, after all. You become a more happy functional human being when you are in communication with the world around you. Dial up some friends. Get out of the house. Partake in some casual conversation and don’t delve into all your troubles. Talk about movies, politics, ask your friends questions about their lives. Get out of yourself and your pain.

Step Four:

At first, everything is going to remind you of them. A song you hear. A movie that comes on TV that you saw together. You’ll drive by a place in town where the two of had a fun date. A season will be a reminder. Perhaps a Christmas or an anniversary. Again, I would advise not to run from these memories. You want to allow them to rise and fall. Resisting them only gives them strength and roots them in your consciousness. I’ve found acknowledging the hurt works wonders. “Yeah, that was fun and great part of my life. She was a good person in so many ways. But, now it’s over, and I’ve moved on to different segment of my life, and things will be good here, too.” It’s simple, but it works.

Lastly, if you lost the one you thought you’d love forever and you’re asking how to heal a broken heart, I want to strongly convey there are so many people in the world and so many possibilities for you. Don’t limit yourself to the heartache. There are others in this world that will love you and treat you decent. Have the courage to put the past in the past, move forward, open your heart and love again. It makes it all worth while.

How to Heal a Broken Heart

If you are looking to tips on how to get your ex boyfriend back, you are going to want to be proactive, leave your past behind and be creative enough to forge a new future. Do you think you are up for the challenge? If you are willing to look at your world in a whole new perspective, he may not be as lost as you think. But, you are going to have do one of hardest things of all: you have to be an agent of change and take some responsibility for what happens in your world. If you are looking to get him back, let’s take a look at some steps you can take to make your wish a reality.

1) Have an honest conversation with yourself about what went wrong. Was it a simple misunderstanding about something that just snowballed? Perhaps you were the one that did something you regret. Do you the two of you have a history of fighting? Are you one of those couples that thrives on the drama of being a part and getting back together? Really stop and consider here. What do you want your life to be? What was so good about this involvement that it now pains you to have lost it? Did he change? Have you changed? Some relationships are bad from the beginning. But, we hang on, trying endlessly to “fix” them. Only they aren’t fixable. Rule number one in how to get your ex boyfriend back: he is not the only person in the world. There are others that will treat you decent. If after having this talk with yourself, you’re still intent on: how to get your ex boyfriend back, then move on to step number two. But, be honest about the content of your relationship first.

2) I can’t say this strongly enough: you cannot be desperate, if you want to know how to get your ex boyfriend back. Let me say it again for emphasis. DO NOT COME ACROSS AS DESPERATE. “Oh Jimmy, I’m so lost without you.” Just think of that for a second. Would that work with you? Not a chance. Pity is not not how to get your ex boyfriend back. You want to come across as strong and independent, with a life of your own away from him. Ask yourself this question: who is the most important person in your world? If you did not say “you” are, you need to re-think things a bit. No matter how “in love” you may be with anyone, the most important person in your world will always be “you.” Until the end of time.

3) Never ever, ever attempt to communicate with him while you are intoxicated. You are out with some friends, enjoying yourself. You have an adult beverage or six – easy to do when you are under this kind of stress. You may be having an intense discussion with your friends about how to get your ex boyfriend back. All of the sudden you are alone for a bit and bingo. It’s straight to the text messaging. Drunkexting. Yikes. And, then the next morning you wake up, gather yourself and think, “Ah! What did I say to him last night?” You go back through your phone, read what you sent and die. Just die. If you’re going out with friends to have some fun, put your cell phone away for the evening. Give it to someone for safekeeping if you have to, just keep it very far away from your grubby mitts.

4) Develop a plan. If you’re wanting to know how to get your ex boyfriend back, know it is going to take some time. This is not going to happen tomorrow or even the day after. Give yourself at least two to three months. Maybe more. If that freaks you out, you probably need to move on to your next boyfriend. Sure, you are trying to get him back, but you are also really starting a whole new relationship, in essence. Those take time. Patience will be your virtue. Without it, you don’t stand a chance.

5) Acknowledge that you have split. This is important if you really want to know how to get your ex boyfriend back. You’re going to want to acknowledge this not only to him, but to yourself as well. You’re starting from square one and wiping the slate clean. You need to be okay with the fact of your breakup instead of constantly fighting against it. When you’re okay with it, he will know it.

6) Find something positive about the two of you. You’re going to need this. It will be a huge part of your arsenal. Think back to a time the two of you were really connected. A time you thought nothing could ever go wrong – if you can’t think of anything, you may want to re-think getting him back. What was going on? What were you sharing? What was good? What did it feel like to you? You need to feel what was good about the two of you first instead continually re-living the problems. Feeling the good will put you in the proper emotionally frame of mind to approach him again.

7) Let things relax for awhile. If you’ve just split, don’t be calling him every day. Don’t email or text him every day either. Let some time pass. After an appropriate amount of time (2-4 weeks), contact him casually in a non-confrontational way, during a time you know he will not be stressed. Maybe an email that would go something like this: “Hey, things got a little crazy there at the end, and I just wanted to make sure you’re okay. I’ve a good couple of weeks, and it’s given me some time to do sort things out. Splitting was probably good for us both. I know it was time. Oh, I ran into Ben the other day, he told me to tell you hi. Maybe we can do lunch next week, and I can tell you about an interesting bit of info he told me. Anyway, take care of yourself.” Done. Casual. No problems to work on. No blame game. No burning intensity. Back to square one. Plus, you’ve thrown in the curiosity hook about Ben telling you something interesting. Believe me, he’s going to wonder about that, and you have a much better chance of landing the lunch date.

After that, let things go again for a bit. If you wanting to know how to get your ex boyfriend back, that is one of the keys. This is kind of like fishing. You’re throwing your line in the water and waiting. If he doesn’t give you a nibble after this, wait another couple of weeks and make another attempt. If there isn’t a nibble then, it’s time to move on. If he takes the bait, be as casual as you can for as long as you. Believe me, the troubles the two of you encountered will surface soon enough.

9) Okay, after he’s taken the casual lunch date idea: don’t attempt to solve a thing here. Make it fun and relaxed. Bring up a pleasant memory you both would have during the conversation. “Oh, that reminds of that time we went to the concert and saw ____. That was fun. I remember that long talk we had afterward. I felt really connected to you then.” And, let it go. Back to extreme casual. Remember: no problem solving. That will come soon enough. View this as a first date and enjoy yourself.

10) Lather, rinse, repeat. If he hasn’t contacted you, wait another week or so and make another casual communication. Ultimately this will snowball if it is meant to be. Now, this is crucial if you want to know how to get your ex boyfriend back: when the time comes to actually get into the discussion of your problems – and I’d advise you put this off as long as you can – take responsibility for the breakup. That doesn’t mean you shoulder the blame. There is a difference. No one is at fault here. This isn’t a court of law to assign guilt or innocence. You’ve both created the trouble together, all of it. But, believe me, he wants to hear you take some responsibility for what went wrong. Don’t demand he do the same. If he’s mature enough, he will follow your lead. Someone has to do something right here, someone has to be the leader, no?

To find more about how to get your ex boyfriend back:

Caught your wife cheating? I don’t think there’s a man alive who wouldn’t rather be bound and gagged and have his teeth booted in then to go through the trauma of discovering his wife has betrayed him with another man.

You plunge to a depth in your being you didn’t know existed before when it happens. Nothing in the world makes any sense. The pain is so immense in some cases it takes years to recover. But, you do recover, the world keeps spinning, and you have some critical decisions that need to be made for yourself. This is not the time go emotionally AWOL. You’re being challenged like never before. It’s important you respond.

Of course, you need to surround yourself with as many people you love and trust that you can find. If you can find one, that’s good enough. But, when you have caught your wife cheating, the journey you take is decidedly lonely one. No matter how many “hang in there’s” and pats on the back you get, at the end of the day, you are alone. Alone with the betrayal running non-stop through your head. How you handle this crisis when you are alone will decide how quickly you recover.

Personally speaking, when I was faced with the fact of my wife cheating, the number one problem I had was playing the whole thing endlessly in my head. I couldn’t stop it. To this day, it haunts me. Because of this, there are times I take to be alone, to allow it work itself out. This happens less and less as time moves forward – thankfully – but, it’s still there, running in some dark parallel place within the confines of my life.

A huge decision you’re going to have to make, along with your wife, is about the future of your relationship. Is it worth continuing? Do you both want that? You’re also going to have to examine why the betrayal happened in the first place. There’s a lot to work through here.

In my situation after I caught my wife cheating, she expressed a deep regret and sorrow at what had happened. The only other time I heard her cry so deeply was at the death of a close friend. Our marriage had hit a rocky patch, I was emotionally removed. It happened. My immediate response was intense anger. At her. At him. At her friends that knew. All of it.

And, then I was faced with: what do I do now? Can I live with this? And, then finally: can I live without her?

After the anger had subsided, I looked carefully over the landscape of our lives together, the times we shared, the children we share. I knew I loved her. I knew I could not walk away.

If you and your partner decide to stay together after you’ve caught your wife cheating, here is something you’re absolutely going to have to do: let it go. You can’t keep re-living it. You can’t keep making her re-live it either. When it pops up again in your head, find away to be alone until it settles somewhere distant. Find a close friend, if you can, to get it out. But, do not continually bring it up to her. It doesn’t good any good.

If you’ve caught your wife cheating, the pain never goes away, but it does lessen. You do move past it to a better place. In many ways, my marriage is better now that it was before. Sometimes you have to be shook from the slumber to know what’s important to you. I take nothing for granted now. Not a single affection.

If You’ve Caught Your Wife Cheating…

Love on the rebound. Ain’t it grand? Do rebound relationships deserve all the bad press? Or, are they really a good thing?

First, let’s get a clear definition;  what, exactly, are rebound relationships? Simply put, it is when one partner in a love union (married or otherwise) commits themselves to an new interest without allowing the proper amount of time to process the failings of the old relationship. A mouthful, but I hope you get the idea.

Many times in these situations, the person involved in the new relationship is covering up the pain from the previous involvement. And, there are times when the psychology goes even deeper than that, and the action is pointed directly at the old association.

“Look, I found someone before you did.”

“See, I’m lovable. You’re the messed up one.”

“Ha, hope this hurts like hell.”

And, sometimes it is just because of the need to have a warm body in close proximity. The world can be a cold and lonely place, after all.

The chances of the rebound relationship lasting or being anything of significance are not very high, although, of course, successful rebound relationships do exist. But, in many cases the new thing becomes even more destructive then the old thing simply because there hasn’t been an adequate resolution to the previous relationship and the problems it brought.

We all know people who bounce from one person to the next and to the next. They exist emotionally on one level that is comfortable for them, but they are unable to move beyond that level. A new partner gives them the chance to re-live the easy part, but soon enough they are confronted with the same situation with a different person. Why? Because they are part of the problem they cannot see. I read a funny interview with Greg Allman recently where he was talking about being married six times. “I’m beginning to think it might be me.” Ya think?

What can be particularly destructive in these rebound relationships is that the new person doesn’t fully realize they are being used. They then become part of the emotional quagmire of the previous couple.

Depending on the intensity of the break-up, either side of the previous couple could be emotionally vulnerable. In other words, their ‘need’ level is very high, which lends itself to masking the deep wound from the past with something new, anything new. Substance isn’t often the priority.

How do you know if you’re involved in a rebound relationship? It isn’t difficult. Just ask yourself one simple question:

Is a past involvement taking up significant space in your current/now relationship? If so…

Rebound relationships and how to avoid them

This can get tricky, because there isn’t a mathematical formula to measure. Use your noggin. If someone has an interest in you and you ask, “When was your last involvement?”

And, they say, “A month ago.”

To which you ask, “How long were you involved?”

Them, “Five years.”

Now, honestly. How do you think this is going to work out? A good rule of thumb may be to allow a couple of months, give or take, for every year of the previous relationship. That gives and adequate amount of time to process the emotion and settle in to new view of life. Play with anything else, be forewarned.

If you choose to venture into the land of rebound relationships, or if you currently find yourself involved there, put on the brakes. Take it slow. There is a lot of vulnerability there. Give it time to rise and fall. Don’t overplay your hand. Make this new thing prove itself. If it’s real and meaningful, this won’t be a problem.

The Magic of Making Up

If you currently suspect your spouse/partner of significant other of cheating, and you’re looking for signs of an affair, you know there is nothing worse on earth than not knowing. Having experienced a betrayal, I know firsthand this is true. I can deal much better with what I know than with what I don’t know. And, the not knowing can drive you absolutely bananas. There are signs of an affair, and after reading this article you’re going to be much better equipped to deal with the nagging questions that can cause many sleepless nights.

I’m not sure where the professional get the statistics, but they say 50% of men who currently suspect there partners of a cheating are correct. And, an astounding 85% of women who feel that way are right on the money. Let’s face it. We live in a society that promotes betrayal, and even feeds economically off the failures of marriage and the breaking up the family. It’s just the facts, jack. If you doubt it, consult your local attorney.

But, there are signs of an affair that can give you a leg up on knowing if your partner may be cheating. Here are a few things you need to watch:

Are They Spending an Uncommon Amount of Time Away From Home?

Are they suddenly spending a lot of time with a friend. “Uh, Bob called and needs me to help him with a work project.” Uh, huh. Are they not at home where they used to be? Every now and then, no big deal. But, when it becomes a regular part of your routine, there may be cause to be alarmed.

Has your sex life gone to pot?

Again, is there a break in your routine? One of the signs of an affair is simply: has your partner lost that special interest in you? With women this a little more complex, but men are quite primal. If they’ve apparently lost their sex drive something at least of psychological nature is going on and worth investigation. Being direct here isn’t a bad idea. “Honey, I’ve noticed we haven’t made love a whole lot lately. Have you lost interest in me?” Watch closely the response to that one. It could be telling.

Are they expressing a lot of interest in your schedule?

This could be a big tip-off. Especially if your partner didn’t have much interest in it before hand. This isn’t rocket science. If they are watching you watching them, if your relationship as become more self-conscious, it could be a sign of cheating.

Do they leave the room to take their phone calls?

This could be nothing or it could one of the key signs of an affair.  If it happens over and over again, it’s time to take note. How come the calls from mom are now taken outside? Has the phone line to work suddenly become a hot line and private? Are they spending inordinate amount of time locked up on the phone?

Have they suddenly taken a private email account?

This is another example of something that may have one time been open between the two of you that they now guard and have made more personal. Why did they open a different email account? Why is their time now on the computer a private matter?

There are certainly a ton more signs of an affair, if you suspect your partner of a betrayal. But these five give a start. Be alert. Pay attention. And, when the time is right, be direct. This is your life. No one knows it better than you. And, no one has more at stake.

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