Let’s be honest, if ending an affair were easy, there would be fewer people having them.
But, the affair isn’t satisfying you because you can’t have your lover all the time, and even when you get time together, you have to sneak around. And you’re tired of the guilt and shame from cheating on your spouse.
So, you’ve decided to end it. You just don’t know how. That’s OK, you aren’t alone. We suggest you start with these five steps when ending an affair:
1. Understand why you’re having an affair.
The key to changing any behavior is knowing why you do it so you can fix the cause, not the symptom.
Is the affair all about wanting more sex? Were you looking for emotional fulfillment? Or, did you cheat as a way to end your marriage?
Whatever the reason, figure out what made you do it, and you will figure out how to end an affair.
2. Tell your affair partner that it’s over – and mean it.
This is difficult, but it must be done; otherwise, the affair will never really be over.
Make sure your partner understands. Don’t be wishy-washy, saying things like, “I’d like to be with you, but I don’t think we should…” Be firm: “This is over. Period.”
Be clear that you don’t want emails, phone calls, text messages or anything else.
**Important: Ending an affair cannot be done in person. You will end up in bed. Do it over the phone or even by email, if you have to.
3. Decide whether to tell your spouse about the affair.
First, decide whether you want to stay married. If so, you might want to confess your affair so that you can feel worthy of your spouse’s trust and so your spouse can start trusting you again. Otherwise, you might be better off staying quiet.
The advice from therapists is to examine your motives. The right reason to confess when ending an affair is so that you can start fixing what’s broken in your marriage. Telling just to relieve yourself of guilt is the wrong reason.
If you do confess, be prepared to deal with a tidal wave of anger, hurt and recriminations. Be empathetic, not defensive. You’ve just hurt this person deeply, and you need to be understanding of that.
4. Never see your affair partner again.
Marital experts call this the “no contact” phase. Not just no sex, but no intimacy whatsoever – and yes, phone calls, texts, etc. count as intimacy.
This might be difficult if you work together or socialize in the same circles. If necessary, rearrange your schedule so you see the person as little as possible. Avoid him or her in social settings. Your spouse can help with this.
You’ll go through withdrawal, like any addict. You will actually ache to see, touch and talk to that person. Fight it, endure the pain, and you’ll eventually get through it.
5. Surround yourself with supportive friends.
You can’t spend all of your time with your spouse, especially after ending an affair. Yet, you can’t spend time with the other person, either. So invest your time in improving your friendships.
Make sure you pick friends who support your decision. Sometimes, our friends are the ones who helped us cheat. The last thing you’ll need is them encouraging you to go back.
Before you know it, the affair will be an irrelevant thing of the past, the pain will have faded, and you will realize that ending an affair is one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself.
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