Does Marriage Counseling Work? |

The man you love has been cheating, but you aren’t ready to give up on him yet, so you ask yourself, “Does marriage counseling work?”

I wish I could give you that much-needed reassurance that, yes, it absolutely does, and that counseling will keep your marriage together. But it’s just not that simple.

It helps some couples, and it’s a complete failure for others.

What will happen with you and your spouse depends on several things, including how compatible you are as a couple, how strongly committed you are to staying together and what therapist you choose.

So does marriage counseling work for you? Maybe.

You should know this right up front: Marriage counseling won’t accomplish anything if you can’t forgive his infidelity. Anger and resentment will keep you from trusting him, and trust is the basis of a relationship.

And, if there is no emotional attachment left between you – if the passion and friendship has been suffocated to death – or if one of you has already decided on a divorce, then counseling will be a waste of time.

But if there is still something between you, and you want to give it a go, then you need to realize that it isn’t a matter of does marriage counseling work, but whether the two of you are willing to make it work.

Decide before you even begin counseling whether you can be open, honest and, most of all, willing to listen to each other. Then, you’ll have to commit to resolving your problems in ways that will be new and probably unfamiliar to you.

Understand that it will be emotionally exhausting work that will have you digging deep to express feelings you may have never discussed before. You should prepare yourself now for the emotional hangovers that will come after especially intense and brutally honest sessions.

In figuring out does marriage counseling work, one of the most important steps is choosing the right therapist. That can be a little tough because there are some very different schools of thought among counselors.

Some focus on helping each spouse change behavior that the other doesn’t like, which might sound good to you right now. He cheated, and it would be only natural for you to want a therapist who will “fix” him so he doesn’t do it again.

But how does marriage counseling work when it’s done that way? What if he cheated because he sees a problem in the marriage, or with you, that he’s never shared with you? Or what if the counselor “fixes” him, but then he develops other negative behaviors after you leave counseling?

This behavior modification is not really going to be all that helpful for you in the long run – which is what you’re aiming for, right?

The more successful therapy seems to be the kind that teaches spouses to talk to each other. Not just, “Hey, honey, that was a great episode of American Idol last night,” but open, honest communication. You know, where one of you says to the other, “I understand you don’t like crumbs on the counter, but when you get so irritated about it, it makes it seem like this house only belongs to one of us.”

In other words, a good therapist can teach you to understand the feelings you “say” to each other, instead of just the words.

I have to be honest, that’s still no guarantee that you marriage will survive. But once you learn how to actually communicate with each other, you have a much better chance of being able to work out any problems that you have.

Now it’s up to you to decide – does marriage counseling work for you?

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